Lady Bumbridge wearily left the meeting with Solange d’Espere, the Masturbation Clinic’s director. She then hailed a kago (a Japanese-style sedan chair) to take her tired body up the hill to Summerhill House on London Road. She always enjoyed seeing Solange and talking of ways of improving the clinic’s reputation and raising awareness of masturbatory issues. She didn’t however look forward to seeing her son at the squat he shared with Helga and Hedwig. She felt that her son, Howard, at 34, had wasted his life and acted like a teenager. She sighed and dabbed at her eyes with a tissue.

Lady Bumbridge was helped down from the palanquin by one of the carriers, Bert, who was not Japanese, but a successful amateur Sumo wrestler nonetheless. "Can you wait please, Bert?", she said to the man as she turned towards the house. She surveyed the once grand building in front of her. It had been “empty” for decades, its upkeep and "listed" status too expensive for anybody to consider buying it. She went up the stone steps and squeezed her arm through the missing panel in the front door, turned the lock and entered the musty hallway. She always hated visiting her son in the now dilapidated squat. She climbed the staircase and entered her son’s room. Howard was seated on the floor completing a jigsaw puzzle – one of those with all sky and hardly anything else. She doubted that most of the pieces were present.

Howard casually looked up, didn’t smile and said, “Hi Mum. I need some new underpants, a packet of Superkings Smooth, a razor and blades, a....” Howard began reeling off the usual requirements but was interrupted this time by his mother who waved her hand for silence. “Howard dear, I’m sorry, but I’ve had a long day and I’m exhausted. How much money do you need?” Lady Bumbridge asked pulling out a hefty purse. Howard pondered and then said “about £50, ‘cos I’m going down to Sherwood Depths tonight to see Kayleigh-Leigh Lee.”

Lady Bumbridge suddenly looked appalled at her son and cried “Sherwood Depths?! Are you out of your flipping mind?! Howard, please don’t go down there! Can’t you phone Kayleigh-Leigh Lee and ask her to come here instead? They say the whole District smells of urine down....” she tailed off. She could see her son wasn’t going to take any notice of her and knew he was dying to visit the Depths. All the rebellious youngsters seemed to be drawn to that place.

Howard looked from his mother to the jigsaw puzzle and added another piece of blue sky to the puzzle. It was the wrong piece, but Howard didn’t seem to notice. Still with his head down, he mumbled “Stop moaning. Everyone goes down there! Food is dirt cheap, the pace is slow, loitering around bins is allowed, you can do anything you want. Plus, Kayleigh-Leigh lives there and I have needs, mum. Besides, I can’t call. Her phone was nicked when she was lying in that pool of her own vomit last week.”

Lady Bumbridge stared at Howard and could only shake her head as she handed her useless son another wad of cash. He snatched the crisp notes from her hand and immediately returned his attention to the jigsaw.

Without embracing him, she turned, walked out of the room, down the stairs and out to the waiting kago. As she headed home, she suddenly felt a desperate need for the comfort of a Gustav cooked meal.